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[05 Jul 2010|03:38am] |
I don't really get your Independence Day. I understand why you have it but the traditional outings I don't get. Maybe because I'm not much of an out doors kinda guy or go all gaga over exploding lights. This year seeing how my son is half American I thought I get him into the spirit of the 4th anyway. Taking him to see his first fireworks was going to be my excitement, just waiting for his eyes to light up. Needless to say, I guess he takes after his old man because he bloody flipped out the moment the first one went off and then after five minutes fell asleep with tears in his eyes. Three years old and already I can tell he's is going to need a lot more to make him go ooh and aah.
now back to bed.
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[31 May 2010|11:24am] |
I wanted to talk about the great icon, Dennis Hopper. He passed away this weekend and in my option I think he's a great icon. Most people didn’t even know who he was, but man I remember the first time I saw 'Rebel Without A Cause'. He was great in it and it was his first film role when he started out, that’s a great accomplishment for his first movie. I don’t know maybe it's the fact after James Dean died he carried on like a true bad ass. You couldn’t mess with Hopper, he played by his own rules and pissed off a lot of people doing, but down the line they respect he for it later in life. 'Easy Rider' was one of my favorite movies growing up and Hopper became one of my favorite American actors. I’m a drummer at heart and I love my musics, but it’s because of men like him that I ever gave acting a try.
Rest in Peace DH.
Yeah, darling
Gonna make it happen
Take the world in a love embrace
Fire all of your guns at once and
Explode into space
Like a true nature child
We were born
Born to be wild
We have climbed so high
Never want to die
Born to be wild
Born to be wild
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| From your favorite Irish lad. |
[17 Mar 2010|02:44pm] |
I don't really have much to say except happy St.Patty's Day to ya and I hope you are getting just as sloshed as me the band are. The tour is still going to my shock, this just shows how much we really care about this band despite all the bloody crap. I’m excited for this week though, not only because you Americans love to celebrate me...............I was just informed by Kian that this is not my holiday........ I think he is just jealous. But like I was saying. My daughter is coming out this week to spend some time. I think with me being gone she is getting an idea of what it is I do and it will be good to see Ali again too, if her and Jade don’t plot against me.
As for my own band we are getting a lot of publicity. Which is a little weird seeing how it started out as a side privet project with friends. We even let a fan do a video for us, which worked out perfect seeing how we couldn’t be available to do one. He was very creative and I love it.
( New Song and Video )
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| Tour me down. |
[08 Feb 2010|04:54pm] |
This has been an eventful five days on tour. Can’t say it boring that is for sure. I have to love the quiet and the sideways glances when we get back to the buses. Things sure have changed from the first time we made it on the road. Do you guys remember those times? The pranks, jokes, laughter, we had it all and the world was ours. Remember how we were always there for each other in those days? We were unbreakable, so high no one could bloody touch us. Now the world is crashing around us and we can’t even look at each other. Yeah I’m putting it out there. I’m sorry but what else am I suppose to talk about here? This is breaking my heart. Two of my best friends that have both saved my life at some point are being strangers. There is hurt and pain for sure and maybe some unforgivable things. Not anything we can’t move past though...right? If it wasn’t for the fans where would be now?
Strangers maybe.
Call me crazy but the thought of that is more heartbreaking then this right now. I think I rather deal with the two hardheads and just hope that one time after a really great show we can somehow find our way back to each other and get a drink. Really great fans and hope is all I have right now. It’s what keeps me going out on that stage with my drumsticks and beating away all the stress and right down bloody mess this all is. When we are on that stage somehow we manage to pull it together. Because the music! MUSIC we wrote putting blood, sweat, tears in together!
I love you guys, you’re fucking family.
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| On jimmy kimmel live if you missed it and something speial for kian! |
[28 Dec 2009|07:12pm] |
I could sit her going on about the past year, but I think we all know dwelling on the past only hurts me so I'm looking to future. I'm looking to the awesome tour we have coming up with my two best friends and I'm looking to see my little girl grow up. She so beautiful like her mother and I see it in her every day. I'm going to miss Gabby like crazy when we start this tour but I'm doing this for her. I'm looking forward to my band playing on tour as well. It started out as something fun to do and I never expected it to be so known. We played on Jimmy Kimmel last week if you didn't see and and I couldn't believe the crowed that showed up. I only see 2010 as a good thing. I'm looking forward to is.
( Live show and I always wanted to be Kian Seaton when I grow up! )
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[26 Nov 2009|10:12am] |
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Kian is dragging me to a Thanksgiving dinner today. My Thanksgivings usually consist of me doing shots of wild turkey, but he’s that’s not a real Thanksgiving. I’m Irish that is pretty damn close to me. Plus I have to think about Gabby she is with me this year and she is excited about going to her first dinner. As long as Gabby is with me I think I’m safe from someone trying to stab me with a sharp object. No really, this should be fun. I’m meeting new people and I don’t do that much anymore. I have a few things to be grateful about this year. One being my daughter and the others beings friends. Without them I would have never made it out the dark. The band is doing pretty good. I have a blast playing wherever I can and there is still talk of a 4Sure tour. I hope where ever Jade is she is having a good Thanksgiving. I miss seeing that girls face. All our meets consist of phone call and talking with our people. I remember a time we were stuck with each other no matter what. Man how things have change. I mean they are great and getting better that is for sure but now I just feel old. Another thing to be grateful about is that I’m a million dollars richer. I’ll be waiting for me check Kian. I love when I’m right. For someone like me who has had so many fuck ups in one life I sure am right a lot. I guess I’m getting wise in old age.
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| If you don't read the post you can skip to the song. |
[24 Oct 2009|03:12am] |
Funny how things can change in a second. For the better or I guess it’s how you look at it really. While Ali career is picking up and seeing how she has moved to London. Her time has become very limited. With a five year old that can be somewhat hard. With me living in LA and splitting my time between here, New York and London to see my little girl. Ali and I thought it was best if I have custody of Gaby for a while. Though this makes me very excited at the same time I’m going to miss Ali. It’s no secret that we have had our ups and downs. From the day we found out she was pregnant from something that was an impulsive one night stand our lives have been thrown together. I would never say for the worst either, yet a blessing in disguise. I got lucky knocking up one of the most beautiful and awesome woman I know. If she was a guy I have to admit that she might even take Kian’s place as my best friend. I know some of you might be thinking what does her having to be a guy have to do with it. It’s not that she just a woman, but a woman that is everything to me and it a bit hard to think of her as just a friend. She will always be something more to me and I mean further than just the mother of my child. I can reverse this and even say if Kian was a woman I might even be tempted to….okay to even finish that thought gives me chill. Kian with a dress on in my head is not going over well . So moving on and hoping you got the point. There will always be some kind of love there for her, but she deserves someone out there that can give her all the right things and more. When she does find that guy I can’t help but maybe even be a little jealous of him and hate him.
So now I’m on my way back to London to move Gaby back to LA. I almost feel sorry that she has to deal with us as parents. I sometimes feel that as famous people we can give our children everything but not what they need all the time or at the right time. We do what we can to keep Gaby happy and not in a way to spoil her but to makes sure she has the proper things in life and know she is love. It’s the best we can do and as we move her around this big world of ours and wish I could just take her back to Ireland and make a final home for her there. I have work with what I know and try to give Gaby the right attention and love. Someone once told me it was a fathers job to keep her daughter off the pole. As I very much agree with this I like to do something more than just that. I already know I’m doing more than my father ever did and was just be there. Yet I want her to know she has someone she can trust and will always look out for her. A father that can do it all and even when the day comes when she is that unruly teenage girl that hates me I’ll still be there when she needs me. Even if I’m half way cross the world playing a show. She has to know I would drop it all for her if she needed it. At this moment though doing what I’m doing is a sure things to give her all the right things in life that I know and can give her. If I wasn’t doing this I might be working in the minds back home in Ireland struggling to give her the proper things, but she will always know that she was loved.
I think I’m back on the right track in my life. I feel like a have gained more the in the fear of losing something so important to me. I’m a very lucky man. I have a great band and friends, a lovely and beautiful daughter and even her mother gives a crap about me. I have even done something I have always wanted to do and that was start my own little band. Something me and Irish indeed. Nothing to big but just fun. We played a little last weekend in New York for the hell of it and I’m was kinda shocked that people who come to see us already knew one of my songs. We don’t have a name yet but we are working on it. here is a sample of our last show.
( I have to thank Kian for my guitar skills )
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| Better days |
[08 Sep 2009|04:44pm] |
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( cairdeas )
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| For those that keep asking me why. |
[15 Aug 2009|10:36am] |
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( Dark places )
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| Personal Photo: Me, Ali and Gabby four years ago. |
[13 Jun 2009|01:30pm] |
I don’t know what kind of person I have become anymore. I was the this sure self-reliant someone that had it all. Then I took it for granted and I’m at a wall that looks so easy to tear down but at the same time I can’t help but want what’s on the other side of that wall or I’m not even sure that I do want it. FUCK! I just want to scream all the time now. I hear my little girls voice asking for me and I’m a wankers for letting this hold me back. It use to be so easy before, now it’s complicated to no end. I can’t get over my own shit to see the one thing that really matters to me. Gabby will be turning four in two days and I think back four years ago about how much I was not ready to be a father. I knew I had to do the right thing but that was not easy. So many perceptions of what my life could be were running over and over in my head. I had to grow up that was for sure, but how to be a man? A real man was not going to happen overnight. Yet the day my daughter was born and held her for the first time nothing else in the world matters but her. All the crap I had worried about myself was no long an issue. It wasn’t about me anymore, it was about Gabriela and how I didn’t want her to have any worries in life if I could help it. Help her have the perfect happiest life a father could give her.
No one knows this but I had even gone out and got a ring. Ready to ask the mother of my child to marry me. What more could I give my daughter then a mother and father that are together, but happy? I was sure that I could be happy, all of us could. Still I let myself in get in the way and I was a different person then, still growing and so was she. I could have asked and yet I didn’t because I knew the answer would be no. I held on to the ring for the past nine months, I carried it around with me every time I came over or we all went out to have a walk, talking about what we wanted for Gabby. When thinking back on those moments now I was happy. All three of us together being a family in some odd way. Watching her with my daughter it was perfect and I even remember sticking my hand into my pocket gripping the ring that I carried with me every day. I came close a few time ready to get down on one knee and ask for it to be real. There were a few moments I was even sure she would say yes. So why didn’t I do it? Things...things always got in the way and one thing was I wasn’t sure for how long it could be really real. Now it’s four years later and I gave up on the proposal about a year into Gabby’s life finally knowing it was silly at the time. We could be happy with the way things were. Or so I thought after four year I guess I was the only one that was happy with the way things were. Somewhere it fell apart and that is the problem. I don’t know what to do to get it back to the same. Selfish of me maybe, but I didn’t do anything really wrong I don’t think. Yes maybe I was a little clueless as to what was going on, but now that it’s clear it has only made life so much more complex. In the complexity I can’t help but feel like I’m being a bad father now. I haven’t seen my little girl in months. I have sat at the airport many times ready to head to London finding myself sitting in the bar watching my plane leave without me.
So here I am now in the same place I have been many time before in the last two months. I have gotten the shock and worry of my life. I can’t say I didn’t see this coming. She wasn’t coming back and that is never good sign. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss my little girls birthday. I’m not an half way dad and it's time for me to do things to its fullest. So as I finish up my last drink ready to get on the plane to London to save what I have left. Thinking about how it will all go down as I slip my hand into my pocket again gripping onto what hope I have left.
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| Sorry if there is any Irish slang in there, I am a bit drunk. |
[11 May 2009|08:48am] |
I can’t not believe it’s time for another update. I haven’t even finished my drinking yet. I’m still here in LA doing nothing. I should be looking for some work to do. I’m finding myself not able to head out to places that I’m needed or wanted, London and now Chicago. I couldn’t even call Ali to tell her wish her a Happy Mother’s Day. I haven’t seen my daughter in months now and when I do talk to her she starts crying a little. Asking when I’m going to come see her or maybe take her back to LA with me. It’s breaks my heart even more to hear her like that. It even hurts more that later in life she will look at this time and know her daddy is be a punk. I’m punking out and for what because I don’t want to face what is going to come to me.
One odd think happen though just the other night when Kian called me. He said he was sorry for the lack of work we were having. For the rife that seem to be putting the band on hold and in that moment when I thought I would just say, don’t worry about it, shit happens. I didn’t, I felt lighter and somehow calm. I realized that I was pissed at Kian and didn’t know it. Now that I think about not just him alone, but the bunt of it. For him to acknowledge that yeah he wasn’t the only person in the band that this was effecting. I guess I played it so cool just being a friend to both I didn’t see that it was effecting me at all in that way. I didn’t really feel anger but maybe just a little disappointed. Nothing I can’t get over, I know I never blamed anyone for what happen….in the end shit really does happen.
Happy Late Mother's Day Ali
Noleigh lass I didn't forget about. I will come see you as soon as I can.
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| I just couldn't write anymore.... I need another drink. |
[06 Apr 2009|12:24am] |
Okay I have been staring at this screen for days now. I keep going over and over in my head on what to do, what to say and I just keep going back to her. I don’t think I have ever been this confused in my whole life. Oh just been hit with a waking reality hard. I don’t know what I was thinking before, everything was perfect, but I guess I didn’t think how it would be for her...I thought she was different for one thing. I guess it always comes to a point when someone wants more. So here I am stuck in the same place I was in ten years ago, I haven’t moved at all except for the fact that I have a daughter now. I asked myself if I need to do something about this, to look deeper into myself and find something that was always there or will I always be this guy. I have to say I’m happy with the way things were. Sure that is selfish of me, but I’m not that guy. I never was that guy. That guy I could have been...that guy died with her.
....Emma
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[01 Mar 2009|01:37pm] |
Never thought I see the day when I was ready to get back to LA an leave a party, maybe I’m getting old. I don’t know. I went to Mardi with Birdie and Kain. A few more people showed up as well , but I didn’t get a chance to get to know them. Some of them caught my eye like Audrey and Gilly they are very nice to look at. I attempted to get Kian a little drunk, but that was a failed attempted. Thing is I wouldn’t have mind if I thought he was doing it for himself and not to please someone else. If anything out of me and him I’m the real alcoholic, but like I said I must be getting old. I think I only had one drink a night and just chilled out on the balcony of our hotel watching all the screaming people. There was some very entreating girls on the balcony across from us that made my stay enjoyable. Teasing the guys below them to get beads. Some of them were just cruel making fun of some the guys that came by calling them out, but hey I figure it was just their time and they needed it. Girls making a man feel smaller then he is, it’s not the first time. Other than that Birdie was a great host and made sure I had some fun.
I didn’t come back empty hands I got one of those porcelain good luck dolls for Gabby and I can’t come back without getting Ali something or she would hurt me. She going to have to wait and find it though. I just love making her work for her gift. I don’t care if I get one of her punches to the guts. It always worth it. I even got Jade something. I talk to her for the first time last night since she left me in Ireland and went back to New York. Actually she has been on my mind a lot of course she the lead singer of 4 Sure, but I mean more then the normal. I guess I’m just worrying when I know she going to tell me stop. Can’t help it though. I just might have to pop up on her in New York or London and bring Gabby with me as a little surprise. She is always asking about her and even though Kian is like a brother to me I think it was unfair for me to keep Jade at arm’s length because of that. She said something to me that made me realize she had never seen me so angry or talk so insensitive about another person. I guess we have never really talked or it has never been this bad. She did make me feel comforted though as she gave me a little hope for 4 Sure.
Congratulation to all the winners at the Billboard awards. Watching the performances is making me eager to get back on stage and start something up. I’m just still praying that there is something to go back to in the end. I know we all say we want this again, but once we are there, once we are all in the same room, I wonder how bad we really would want to give up. But I can’t think like that.
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[26 Jan 2009|01:22pm] |
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Best friends for 8 years. I'm going back to Ireland a for bit. Don't bother calling. Jade I left you the keys and Ali I'm dropping Gabby off.
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[29 Dec 2008|05:25pm] |
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I am trying to recover from Christmas still. It was great, but Gabby is still on a holiday high and she is starting to wear me out. She open all her gift like a pro and seeing her bright shiny face was the best gift for me. Okay it might have been when once she was done playing with everything and I was sitting there drinking my coffee and talking my mother back in Ireland that she crawled into my lap and wrapped her little arms around my neck and kiss me on the cheek saying she wub me. One of many proud moment to come my mother told me, but then again she also said I was a pain in the ars when I was her age and she most have gotten everything from Ali. Thank god for that, I don’t know if I could deal with a little me. The worst she has ever done was lie about taking all the cookies and when I went to bed that night after tucking her in I found what happen to most of those cookies. At least she knew to have some milk with them. For that was what my bed was soaked in cookies and milk. When I went to get her and asked how all that got there. She said it was Santa and he wanted to watch a movie. I couldn’t even get upset with her. I’m going to have to learn to get a back bone around her or she going to get away with anything and everything. Still I don’t know how I got so lucky.
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| No Hello Kitty bandages for me |
[22 Dec 2008|11:08pm] |
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It’s my year, I get to be with my little girl Gabby on Christmas. I am the gift bag kind of guy. I will toss anything into a gift bag and hand it to you just as is, but this is a special year for me. I really am trying to wrap all her gifts. I am horrible at it really I have proven myself a failure as at gift wrapping. I have so many paper cuts on my fingers I could donate blood. I just want to have the joy of seeing her rip each them apart. I mean she is three, so she not going to really critique my wrapping. I really could use some help.
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